Daniel Cried at Hellboy 2
by Meidi Harshall <–it’s a pen name

Late one evening, Daniel decided to take his beautiful wife Christy to the movies. He was so excited to go to the movies with her, and she couldn’t help but become excited as well.

“What are we seeing, dear?” she asked. “Something romantic? Something moving? It must be something amazing since you’re so excited about it!”

“Dude, it’s Hellboy 2,” Daniel replied.

Being the good wife that she is, Christy pretended like she was excited. At least it was going to be a night out of the house, right? And she knew that Daniel would buy her a diet coke, which is one of the things in her life that brings her great joy.

So they called their faithful friend Heidi to come over and babysit the kids. Heidi, having no life, had no plans that evening and was happy to help. So she drove the 26.1 miles to Burbank and watched TV while the kids slept and Daniel and Christy went to the movie.

When Daniel arrived at the movie theater, he could tell immediately that something was wrong. The air smelled of terror and Red Vines. He purchased the tickets and walked cautiously into the theater. Christy went to get seats (the good kind near the front with the bar you can put your feet up on) and Daniel went to buy popcorn and a Diet Coke. All of a sudden, a ninja leaped out from behind the counter and got Daniel in a headlock. Then Gollum and Darth Vader proceeded to punch Daniel in the tibia, earlobe, and right butt cheek.

Daniel thought that all was lost. He knew his powers of Nertzing (limited as they may be) would be no match for the mighty forces of a ninja, Gollum, and Darth Vader. He hung his head, defeated. (But in the back of his mind he was still wondering if he had time to buy and eat some Sour Patch Kids before he died, because boy did they look yummy!)

Then, out of the blue, Jack Bauer arrived to rescue Daniel! All he had to do was raise an eyebrow and the villains ran out of the theater, quivering in fear.

“Jack Bauer! It’s really you! You saved me! How can I ever thank you?” said Daniel.

“Dammit kid, you don’t have to thank me. This is what I do. Just remember to always be a good husband and a good father, and that’s all the thanks I need.” said Jack Bauer.

“I… I… dont’ know what to say,” stammered Daniel.

“No need for words. Besides, I’m fictional. And overqualified.” said Jack Bauer.

Daniel stumbled into the theater and handed a thankful Christy her Diet Coke. The movie rolled, and as christy snuggled up to Daniel she felt a single tear roll down his cheek.

“What’s wrong, dear?” she asked.

Daniel told her he was crying because he was moved by the movie, but in reality, his right butt cheek really hurt.

The End