February 18, 2009
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Parenting is FREEEEEEEAKING Hard
Any of you out there that think parenting is easy, you’re an idiot.
Parenting is HARD.
Not just the state of being a parent, but actually parenting–raising your child with purpose and direction–is very, very, very difficult.
Can I get a what-what?
So lately our elder son has had somewhat of an attitude and is lashing out in a control-freak sort of way. I can’t blame him since his only two models for living are avid horn-locking control-freaks. It’s natural for him to have those tendencies. But recently it has been out of control and disrespectful to others in an embarrassing way.
I mean, come on…shouldn’t a seven year-old know that the world does not revolve around him/her?
Apparently not.
So Christy and I had a little meeting last night to discuss what we would do to have an attitude adjustment. She came up with this idea that is quite brilliant, if I say so myself. Since Nathaniel so badly wants to be the boss of everybody in the universe, for one day, he will be.
So today, Nathaniel is the parent. And with all of the fun that comes along with being in charge of other people will also come the responsibility. MUAHAHA.
Today when he gets home from school he will do his homework and then proceed to do all of the mommy chores (times TEN). So he’s going to clean the kitchen, scrub the bathrooms, clean up the house, clean out the car, make dinner, do the dishes and put them away, and so on, and so forth…
HA
WE’LL SEE WHO STILL WANTS TO BE IN CHARGE AFTER TODAY!
And who knows. It may not work. I don’t know…every step in this crazy life of being a parent is trial and error for me. I wish I knew what I was doing, or at least FELT like I knew what I was doing.
Any thoughts?
Comments (21)
Nice, man. Great idea.
I’ve been thinking about him, and what you describe here, a lot. I may be wrong, but my thought is that some of it might have to do with how he’s so not in control of so much in his life. The moving, the constant back and forth between Burbank and San Diego, Noah and his autism and how much time and attention that requires. Etc, etc. The bossy/control tendency might be a natural reaction to all of that. It’s gotta be hard on him, especially with Noah’s condition and the attention that requires.
Everything considered, I think he’s turned out really well so far and you’ve done a great job with both of them. But I hope your experiment tonight is a raging success.
Parenting is hard, and Nathaniel is a wonderful boy. I agree with Mike, that it is important to realize WHY children are behaving they way they do, and I think he may have nailed it on the head. I doubt that Nathaniel wants to be the “boss of everybody in the universe” just for the sake of controlling everyone. Children always have a reason.
I think a big mistake in parenting is the idea that WE give our children purpose and direction. That is for God to do. They are his children, after all. We love them and help teach them about God and the world through how we treat them. That does not mean being permissive, please understand. Nor does it mean that we make ourselves an adversary to our children when they are having an “attitude.” Frankly, your statement, “WE’LL SEE WHO WANTS TO BE IN CHARGE AFTER TODAY” is very adversarial, and a total challenge for control. Do you see how you are trying to teach him to be less controlling by being controlling?
Innappropriate behavior (or embarrassing, as you said) must be addressed privately, and each family has different rules about what is appropriate for each situation. Again, I am not saying that permissiveness is acceptable, just that there is a middle ground between permissiveness and authoritarian. Parenting IS difficult, much more so knowing that our children learn to treat others by how we treat them.
Well, you asked for thoughts. I have many. Keep up the good work, you are both wonderful, loving, parents!
A clarification on Nathaniel’s behavior- it is rather subtle, and something we want to address early, before it becomes disobedient or embaressing in public. The issue is that he has been thinking he has the right to plan out when we go places, how we do, how long it will take (ex. we can just have dad drive to san diego to get my book and then come back—PLEASE!!!) It’s more of a lesson that making all the decisions and having a lot of responsibility is not always as fun as it seems- but hard work.
@FaithFamilyMK - >>>I think a big mistake in parenting is the
idea that WE give our children purpose and direction. That is for God
to do. They are his children, after all. We love them and help teach
them about God and the world through how we treat them.
So are you saying that the Lord would not use parents to impart direction and purpose to children? At least when they are young?
Good plan . . . I hope it works . . . don’t forget that you all should be playing and having fun like he normally would.
@jacksoncroons - HAHA. Done and done…
Oh, Im playing! And by playing I mean typing a paper, but still…
That is so funny. It makes me want to try it on Ryli. I will say, You need to go do your spelling and she will say, “NO, I am going to do that last” Being 8 months pregnant, I sit there and wonder– Does it really matter what order she does her homework, or do I say–”Did you just say No to me and make your own plan?” Lately my response has been – whatever, but I need to say “Who do you think is the Mommy? Do you want to be the Mommy and then put your plan into action. :) Let me know how your plan worked.
God can do whatever He wants (that’s what Steve would say). :) I suppose it would be useful to clarify what is meant by “direction” and “purpose” in this context. I do not intentionally choose to impart direction to my kids, I am not sure what that even means specifically. However, I pray and hope that because of how I interact with them and the way they see me treat my husband and others because of God’s grace to me, they will come to know Him as well. I do not want to turn my kids into outwardly perfect-looking and behaving children, because that is REALLLY hard (on parents AND kids) and the heart is more important–when the heart is loved and feels right, the behavior will follow.
I do, however, try to impart KNOWLEDGE about how the world works with its natural consequences, like how to behave in social situations, manners, respect for self and others, whatever is age-appropriate and necessary to know (check back when it’s time for the sex-talk, I’m freaking out.)
In fact, the Bible is rather sparse when it comes to parenting advice. ”Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.” There are many examples of horrible parents, but nothing that gives any downright specifics for day-to-day success.
Can you tell I love this topic?
I don’t really know if I understand the thought process in your first paragraph there, Rachel, or if I agree w/ you.
> I do not want to turn my kids into outwardly
perfect-looking and behaving children, because that is REALLLY hard (on
parents AND kids) and the heart is more important–when the heart is
loved and feels right, the behavior will follow.
Will it follow? How many loved children do you know who still openly behave badly in public? I know plenty. Because too many parents do not discipline their kids today. It’s not appropriate socially, nor is it fair to others who have to take responsibility for your kids (be it sunday school teachers, school teachers, etc) or others around you in social settings like restaurants and stores, to not “direct” your child to better behavior and to act appropriately in public – regardless of how they feel in their heart yet.
I think your point about having kids who are and feel loved is really important, but it’s also really important to have those same kids know how to behave themselves – yes, be outwardly perfectly behaving (or as close to it as we can get) – because it’s part of growing up, part of respecting your elders and those in authority, and part of living in community with other people and families.
I’m not sure where you’re going with this, but those are some of my initial thoughts on what you wrote.
>>>>God can do whatever He wants (that’s what Steve would say).
well…duh…
>>>I doubt that Nathaniel wants to be the “boss of everybody in the universe” just for the sake of controlling everyone.
He does, however, want to be the boss of everyone in our family. He is often condescending, argumentative, and ungrateful. He tells us all what to do and argues with us when we don’t do it. It’s just not acceptable behavior for anyone, regardless of age. I wouldn’t be able to hold down a job in real life if I behaved that way with my boss or peers.
I’ll bring in the Love and Logic book Sunday. I really wish I had this book when I was raising my 5 kids. I see how effective it is at the preschool. It will give you some great pointers.
Neat conversation.
Mike, you basically just reworded everything that I said in my previous two comments, which you may see if you reread, so I will not be redundant. However, if there is a need for real clarification, I would love to offer that.
Love and Logic does seem like a neat resource. Let me know what you think!
Those last 2 sentences were for Dan and Christy!
Read it a few years ago….interesting stuff
I took your first paragraph weird too, Rachel- maybe you’re not communicating the way you think you are- I much more agreed with what Mike said. Were you saying that kids will just pick up on how we live, but that we shouldn’t impart wisdom or direction? That is a dangerous thing, I think. Although I agree with the stuff about knowledge that you said, so maybe we are all misunderstanding…You may not want outwardly perfect looking (whatever the quote), but often that outward IS a reflection of the heart, which is of course what we are working on. So, the part about looking good on the outside being hard on parents and kids, well, I don’t think I agree with that, and Mike wasn’t saying that. People that behave well can do so because of what is on the inside, and when my son behaves poorly on the outside, it is often a sign of something that God can grow on the inside, or something he hasn’t been taught yet by those of us that God put in his life to do so. What a privilege and responsibility! Both outside and inside is a good thing and they are interconnected, I think. All the stuff you said on knowledge made sense, though.
Oops- that was me, Christy!
I guess I’m just confused by this idea: ” I do not intentionally choose to impart direction to my kids, “
Such interesting views, all of you. But I think Daniel got it right in the beginning when he said parenting is hard. IT IS! It has always been my belief that children are one of God’s gifts to us. And one important duty as a parent is to raise said child in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. For me, that means with love, grace, AND discipline. Kids crave structure and discipline, with very few exceptions. The trick, at least from my perspective, is how to balance those things within the context of different personalities. You can’t help but use trial and error, and lots of prayer!!!
Bravo to you guys for giving Nathaniel what he was asking for. I think a lot of parents would be afraid to do that. I’m glad it worked out, and that he really was able to see the bigger picture. Now you just have to keep reminding him so he doesn’t forget what he learned.
@lksee - Bravo to Christy, really. It was her idea…and a brilliant one at that. I was completely befuddled by his behavior and at a loss, but she nailed it. I guess that’s why God brought us together…
So, the ideal is to break him all the way down and expect a compromisable transformation. UHM! You’ll have to let us know how it all works out for you as well as what the two of you learn about yourselves during the process.